Category: My News

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My News

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

The Good: Insurance has approved me through Thursday and will do another review then. It’s nerve-wracking going 4 days at a time like this, but it’s better than the alternative.

The Bad: I struggled with behaviors this weekend, but worked through what happened with my therapist and my awesome process group, so going forward, I have even more tools on my side.

The Ugly: Yesterday was awful! I decided with my therapist on Friday that I would write a letter to Jesse over the weekend, but didn’t get to it until yesterday. It was extremely difficult and heartbreaking. I chose to read it out loud with my therapist, cried a lot, and missed Jesse as much as ever. All of that being said, it was good. I’ve needed time and space to grieve him and this was a good way to start without letting myself become completely consumed.

Finger Painting Is Still Fun!

There’s lots going on outside of my own little world here at the ERC. My buddy Cam is taking the GMAT later today and I am sure will do great, if the amount of studying he has put into it is any indication. Both Ariel and Terry chose to leave treatment against medical advice, and that has been difficult to see, but we keep going forward.

Lacy is back home and just texted us to let us know that she found a program that her insurance will cover, so that is extremely encouraging. She’s the one whose parents were paying out of pocket and had to leave on Friday. So proud of her!

Jade has moved from PHP to TIOP (Transitional Intensive Outpatient Program) due to fucking insurance, so we only see her for four hours a day, same as with Leah, also due to fucking insurance. Once my insurance decides to end my PHP, I too will be moved into TIOP. So…much…fun.

Well, I guess that’s enough of the ERC today, off to lunch.

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Help me raise the money needed for my treatment.

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Humor My News Recovery

Quotes for Posterity Digest

“I’m going to shit myself.” – Me
“Me too.” – Leah
“I wish I could shit myself…I really need to poop.” – Carmen

Yeah, some people are still waiting for their bodies to figure things out.

 

“Hookers are people too!” – Carmen

 

“Why do I have to be your bitch? Why cant I be a ho?” – Leah

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My News Recovery

F**k Insurance

So, originally I started this post because someone else here was having insurance issues, but now, I’m the one in the crosshairs of my insurance company. I found out on Friday afternoon that ERC is beginning to get some push back from my insurance company after only four weeks of treatment. There will be a review of my case on Monday and that quite possibly could be my last day in PHP.

Thanks a lot Aetna and Magellan Health Services for reminding us all that yes, you are a profit motivated industry and our health is secondary.

Friday was a difficult day even without the insurance development, as I had to say goodbye to my friend Lacy. She and I became quite close over our time together here and I view her as a little sister. Her insurance wouldn’t even cover the treatment at all, so her parents had been paying out of pocket, and did so for as long as they could. Immense respect to them for that.

Before Lacy left on Friday I had a great time hanging out with her and Leah on Thursday night getting Lacy’s first tattoo. It was every bit as odd and eccentric as someone’s first tattoo experience should be and her tattoo turned out beautifully.

Love you Lacy! You’ve got the tools, now live the life you were meant to live!

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Help me raise the money needed for my treatment.

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My News

Another Year, Another Loss, Another Walk

I walked yesterday in the Second Wind Fund Denver Dash to raise money for suicide prevention. This was my 5th year participating and as always it was a great experience. I walked in memory of Dustin Council and Jesse DeRouen.

Jesse & Dustin
Jesse DeRouen & Dustin Council

I’m extremely grateful to my friend Jamie for joining me. Usually I manage to get together a larger group, but I didn’t have much time to focus on it this time, with my 12 hour treatment days. I am always torn at the event between feeling the loss deeply and being an emotional mess or enjoying having so many friends and loves ones around supporting me and the cause. It’s an interesting and intense jumble of emotions.

Jamie after the SWF Denver Dash

I’m missing both Jesse and Dustin terribly, but I’m doing my best to remain focused on my treatment and my recovery. Incredibly grateful to my friends here at ERC and my friends outside of program. If there’s one thing I know for sure it’s that I can’t do this alone. Thank you all.

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My News Recovery

Moving Forward

Still struggling with grief over Jesse, but able to focus more on my recovery today. I did however have my first real battle with behaviors tonight, and unfortunately it was a battle I lost. I’ll be honest with my treatment team, and I know it’s not the end of the world, but it does suck.

Today was a challenging day, and was setup to be that way. We were all asked and encouraged to wear something outside of our comfort zone throughout the day if we could, but at least in our Body Appreciation group. For me, that was a gray t-shirt.

I love shirt.woot.com shirts and have tons of them, but I generally only buy black, brown or dark blue shirts. I have a couple green shirts that I wear occasionally, but I never, ever wear the gray one. Until today. It was uncomfortable, “Black is thinning” and all that stuff running through my head, but I did it. I had a backup shirt in my locker just in case, but I never needed it. Success for the day!

In the shitty news column, Nora got news that her insurance has stopped covering her treatment. Immediately. No warning, no heads up, no time for the team at ERC to appeal, nothing. Her final day is today. And that’s just fucking bullshit.

I could rant about the state of healthcare in the U.S. for hours, so I’ll just summarize my thoughts. When the system is setup so that our health versus profits, our health will always lose. If you see a problem with this, stop fucking voting Republican. It’s really pretty simple. It’s a complicated issue, yes, but holy shit, don’t vote for the people who put profits above your or your loved ones’ health. Period. Political rant over.

In the awesome news column, Emma will be coming back from inpatient tomorrow! Woo! So proud of the hard work she has done and will be so thrilled to see her return.

In other awesome news, I’ve been joined in Level 3 by two lovely ladies, Leah and Jade. It’s fantastic having them around to share meals with and they inspire me daily with their commitment to recovery and their continued perseverance.

I’m having trouble thinking about my Process Group (those of us with the same primary therapist) without Nora, especially for it to come about like this. Such. Bull. Shit. All is not lost however and I have to send huge gratitude to the remainder of my Process Group for their authenticity, their veracity, and their unbounded support for me and each other. Carmen, Lacy, Libby, Emily, and of course Laura, thank you. I can’t imagine a better group to be on this journey with.

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Help me raise the money needed for my treatment.

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My News

Goodbye Jesse

I haven’t really had the time to process and grieve him yet due to my treatment, but my friend Jesse is gone.

He meant a great deal to me, and while I am trying to remain upbeat and focused on my recovery, he’s always there, taking up space in my heart and mind. I miss him so profoundly.

Me and Jesse
December, 2008

He was so many things to me. He was my first kiss. He was my first gay peer and friend. He and I met at a time when I felt so isolated, so alone in the world. He helped to show me that not only was I not alone, but I was surrounded by people who loved me just as I was.

It took us the better part of the school year to finally meet, after exchanging glances (more like stares) every day as we passed each other in the crowded halls at school each morning. We bonded immediately and spent many days together through the remaining school year and into the summer. He came with my family on a trip or two over the summer and I spent countless hours at his house.

He showed me that I didn’t need to be terrified, that I didn’t need to worry about my labels, that I was just fine the way I was.

I know he must have been hurting terribly to decide to end it, and I’m struggling to decide whether or not I’m angry with him for it. It’s just all very confusing and overwhelming.

 

Jesse's Night Sky

The last time I saw Jesse was this past December. We lay on blankets staring at the stars, talking about our decade of friendship and our futures when he took this beautiful long exposure photo of the night sky. Click on it for the full image.

Jesse, you were so loved. I wish you had loved yourself the way I loved you. I will miss you always.

 

Jesse

Jesse Paul Derouen
December 22, 1983 – August 18, 2012

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My News Recovery

Back To Earth

After nearly two weeks of being super positive and completely optimistic, I think I got my first heavy dose of reality tonight. My friend Ariel is leaving the program, against medical advice.

I had the wind knocked out of me when I heard. She started a day after me and I’ve grown to really see her as a friend and a steady source of support. It just sucks.

I wish I could say she’s the only one, but she’s not. Terry will also be leaving this week, against medical advice.

I’m struggling to separate my concern for them from my own recovery and not let it get in the way of my progress.

A little emotional meltdown on my couch and a phone call with Carmen have helped to get my mind back where it needs to be, but fuck, this sucks.

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My News Recovery

Family, Community, and the Zen Room

Well, I’m sitting in what I have named the “Zen Room” with Jade and Nora. It’s where I start writing most of my posts before eventually finishing them at home. It operates as a second lounge and the art room during the day, but between 5 and 6 PM I lower all of the blinds, turn off the lights and turn on Dish Network’s Earth channel (a 24 hour live satellite image of the earth with calming music playing). It’s incredibly relaxing!

The view from my favorite “Zen Room” chair.

Now that I’m all Zenified, I guess I can talk about yesterday. I had my first family session, and I was a nervous wreck leading up to it. My family therapist Allison is awesome, but I was really not very optimistic about the conversation with my Mom. I ended up being entirely wrong, and we had an amazing conversation. My Mom was fully supportive and even talked about some of her own  struggles in the past. Hearing that really was a game changer for me in terms of my connection with her through this process. Huge success.

We had our Community meeting yesterday as well; thankfully we didn’t have anymore goodbyes, we’ve had enough of those for a bit. People were open and honest, expressed their concerns, their struggles, and their successes. I always benefit from the entire community coming together and being real with each other. It’s one of the meetings I look forward to.

Today is my therapist’s Birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her if she’s reading this, as I suspect she probably is.

Oh, and one last thing. A success for me, I’ve been moved to Level 3! Basically I get to sit at a table without “adult supervision” and at lunch we get to serve ourselves from the buffet with guidance from our dieticians. We have more freedom and flexibility overall, and best of all, we get to participate in cooking classes. I am really excited about those.

Well, it’s dinner time, and I’ve been half-assed writing this post for two days, so it’s time to hit “Publish”.

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Help me raise the money needed for my treatment.

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My News Recovery

The Lighter Side of Recovery

So, recovery at ERC is intense. Wonderful, but intense. That being said, we still have tons of fun. To that end, I’m going to start including some of the ridiculous, hilarious, inappropriate, often had-to-be-there quotes from throughout our days.

Also, blog note, I’ll be changing people’s names to protect their privacy. Lots of them will be named after people from TV shows or elsewhere in popular culture, and lots of them will come from baby name websites. I’m not that creative.

So, first, let me tell a little bit about my friend Carmen (she gets her fake name from Carmen Sandiego). Most of the entirely inappropriate things said at ERC come out of her or my mouth but we generally keep the place laughing. The quotes for the most part are just for us to remember; people following my blog who aren’t part of our group probably won’t find us funny at all, especially without context.

“Fuck you, little poops! Don’t tease me that way!”  – Carmen

Waiting for your body to adjust to you eating normally sucks. We’ll just leave it at that.

“That’s what you get for having an inflatable child!” – Me

Just…inside joke.

I think on my normal posts I’m just going to throw the quotes on to the end of the post, so expect that from here on out.

Today, well, today was intense. I personally had a good day despite an epic (isn’t that word so overused? It’s such a good word, though!) storm of shit flying around the center. We have a total of five people leaving our track (due to the number of patients, PHP is broken up into Track 1 and Track 2) within the week.

First, we’ve got Alice who has been in treatment for a while and is absolutely ready. She’s had some rough spots lately, but she’s an inspiration and it’s tough to see her go. Extremely happy for her and proud to see her “graduate”.

Secondly, we’ve got Marion who has all of the tools she needs, but should’ve had more time to practice using those tools. Her time in treatment was cut short because her insurance company are assholes. YAY ‘MURICA! Profits before health, and all that BS. It’s just infuriating.

Third, we’ve got Wayne who is leaving in a bit of a cloud. It’s…unfortunate. Thankfully he’ll be getting outpatient treatment back at home.

Another difficult goodbye was saying bye to Emma, who has relocated to residential treatment. It was unexpected by most of us, but I am so incredibly inspired by her honesty and bravery. She was honest with her treatment team, and courageous in stepping into that higher level of care. I know we’ll see her back in PHP soon, but damn do we miss her.

At the same time, we’ve got new people coming in, new stories to learn, and new friends to meet. It was a day of constant shifting and adjusting, but it was a day we all made it through.

I did have my first battle with behaviors last night, but was thankfully able to use the tools I’ve learned to prevent it from going into an all out binge and purge. All in all, using a wonderful thing called perspective, it ended up being a big victory for me.

Another success of the day was throwing all of my laxatives into the trash in my therapist’s office. Much thanks to her (Laura) for reminding me that doing it was indeed a success for my day.

Yay for pooping normally! (That one is for you, Carmen.)

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Help me raise the money needed for my treatment.

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My News Recovery

Recovery – Week 2

Well, today marks two weeks since I arrived here at Eating Recovery Center. I’m having a pretty good Monday, though I am a little tired. Today is Pajama Day (decided by the patients, not some cheesy thing forced on us), there seems to be about a 10% participation rate. I didn’t come in Pajamas but I think I may participate in Punk Rock Day tomorrow, we’ll see!

The routine here is basically as follows:

  • Check-in, pee in a cup, get weighed, check vitals
  • Breakfast
  • Group (Recovery Skills, Boundaries, etc.)
  • Morning Snack
  • Group (Body Awareness, Yoga, Psychodrama, etc.)
  • Lunch
  • Group (Process Group, Community)
  • Snack
  • Transitions (First week group to help us settle in.)
  • Group (Grief & Loss, Nutrition, Body Celebration, Spirituality, etc)
  • Free Time (1 hour to do whatever we want)
  • Dinner

So that’s basically my day. There are 10-15 minute breaks between each thing, but it’s a pretty busy day. Weekends are a little different, but same idea.

ERC Room

Today, Monday, started out great, but by the end of the day it kind of fell apart. We have one person leaving due to insurance issues, another leaving to go to inpatient, another leaving tomorrow because she’s ready (Yay!), and yet another leaving Wednesday who is not ready.

Having insurance/money come between someone and treatment for a serious illness infuriates me. To pretend that this country in any way has it’s priorities straight is such a joke.

Overall I am still feeling optimistic and positive about being at ERC, it was just an emotionally challenging second half of the day.

ERC Wall Quote
A quote on the wall of ERC.

 

Well, it’s bedtime. Here comes Tuesday.

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Help me raise the money needed for my treatment.

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